I am usually very hard on myself. My-own-worst-critic type of thing. Part of it stems from wanting to be always be better, that there is always room for improvement. I fully subscribe to the Socratic belief that an unexamined life is not worth living. What good is any of it if one is not to learn from it? There are probably a lot of valid reasons as to why a person should live blissfully, without fully aware of the life they are living and the affect it has on the world and the world on it, but that’s never been my cup of tea.
To live an unexamined life is not the issue at heart here, though. It can be a glorious way to live, and in fact if you read the whole passage that the quote is taken from, Socrates says that the greatest good a man can do is talk about virtue. Where I get all tripped up is combining the examination with my ability to be self critical. In doing so, it is easy to focus on the blemishes and not see the whole. In a very rudimentary comparison, it is like going to rent a car. When you and the rental agent are looking at the car, you do not look at the very clean, almost brand new car in front of you. You are too busy trying to find every little scratch and mar.
I think of all the times I’ve made bold blanket statements about what I’m going to change in my life. And for every time I’ve done that, I’ve made ten more to myself. Huge sweeping changes that cry out for an 80’s movie musical montage scene as my life changes. problem is, unlike in the movies, at the end of the montage nothing would really be different. This isn’t to see I haven’t had various levels of success over the years, but there are different mitigating circumstances in each case. The trick is to find the balance.
I’m always going to want to grow and change. One of my affirmations is “I will be a better person today than I was yesterday, and I will be a better person tomorrow than I am today.” Maybe it’s time I changed that a little. If you read it carefully, I’m saying that I will not be as good a person today as I can be, because tomorrow I will be even better. Not a bad thought, certainly something to aspire to, but it takes the focus away from the present, from the time I am living in. Now is the only time I can grow.
In the end the change and growth will come, but usually in a set of whimpers and not a big bang. This is the excess in moderation. Before any change can come, I need to let go of the huge expectations, the banner statements, and instead trust that as I grow, and learn from that growth, I will keep myself on the new path, and have a more peaceful way of living a successful life.
PopcornJackTerry 