PopcornJackTerry

The reason I use a pen when I do my crossword puzzles have nothing to do with being egotistical and showing off. I have plenty of other outlets for that. (You’re currently reading one.) It’s just that pens are much handier than pencils. That’s not to say I don’t make any mistakes with the pen, but I do think it’s part of the reason I make fewer mistakes. More on that some other time.

I don’t think there is really any logical reason for doing crossword puzzles except to get better at doing crossword puzzles. I know that people say it helps to keep your mind sharp, but sharp for what? More crosswords? In a way it’s like a variation of what they told us when we were taking trigonometry. “Someday in your life you will use this.” Trust me, the only reason that I know “abbe” is a word for French monk is because it shows up about once every two weeks as a clue. Other than that I never use it in conversation.

Still I do the crossword and the two Kenken puzzles everyday. Probably for the same reason that I signed up for Lumosity, the website of brain games. Like the puzzles I don’t know what it proves/helps/accomplishes, but I still do it. I’ve always prided myself on my intelligence and I guess it’s just something that I want to hold on to, even more so now with everything else in my life in flux. It’s the one thing I can kind of control. I’ve always liked learning things. The more you know the more you can do. Like School House Rocky used to say “Knowledge is power.” When you learn things you can overcome things. That’s why when you learn something that has absolutely no benefit it is that much more painful.

One of the things I hate about what I’m going through is that I feel like I can’t properly explain it to people, I can’t phrase it in a way that makes sense. It’s extra frustrating because as a writer I should be able to find the right words. I know that some of the problem is the same issue I’m even having while I try to write this: in my head it all sounds fine but when I try to write every doubt, every shred of negativity, all of it just gets in the way and stops me. I’ve never labored this hard to write anything in my life. But trying to find the descriptions never even got to that point. I haven’t been able to say it clearly, because I haven’t been able to have it make sense to me.

I’m forever saying things like “I understand it but I don’t get it.” Intellectually I know what’s going on, I know that although this is all in my head it really isn’t just “in my head”, you know? And because i can intellectualize it I feel like I should simply be able to work through it, and I can’t. It paralyzes me, and that only spirals me in deeper. Just as a point of description it is almost 10:30 at night and I think I’ve been out of my room and around other people for maybe two hours today. I’m not looking forward much to tomorrow because I know I have to see people, and I’m not even thinking about Monday, my first day at work. It makes logical sense for me to just get up, walk downstairs, get in my car, and drive. And even in saying all of that I have not been able to find a way to explain what it feels like inside of me to make me want to do that, to just hide from the world for the rest of my life, until a few days ago.

I was up in my room goofing off on the computer instead of being productive while listening to a rebroadcast of “A Prairie Home Companion.” I’ve actually managed to lighten up on myself about how little writing I’m doing because I understand that this is a deep and long progress and to not push myself too hard. So as I was sitting here listening, the sky through the window a beautiful color of approaching sunset, everything just felt right. For about a second. And then all I could feel was a deep and total sadness that it didn’t matter how could it may be right now, this moment was going to be over and it would never be this good again. That was when I finally figured out how to describe it. I don’t feel happiness anymore, I just feel sadness that the happiness is fleeting. I don’t see the silver lining, I just see the dark clouds. And that’s how I spend about 95% of my waking time, knowing that I have so many reasons to be happy and yet not being able to be happy no matter how hard or not hard I try.

As Carl Spackler says “So I got that going for me.”

On the bright side (okay, so I can see some silver linings) is that the county I’m living in has a very generous network of social services. I’ve started seeing a therapist and I have an appointment with a shrink in a couple of weeks, so hopefully I can start moving forward again.

Today’s soundtrack. This song spoke to me when I was a teenager. Something sad about the fact that twenty five years later it is still so apropos for my life. Back then I thought it would be like a call to arms for how I was going to live my life. Now I just think it mocks me. Especially since I can’t find the version that had the original lyrics. And I looked to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind:

On American Idol last night, Bo Bice sang a version of Corner of the Sky that had a complete verse I had never heard before. Is this verse a part of the original lyrics for this song?  — Steve S.

ANSWER: Dear Steve: Thanks. Can you believe I’ve never seen “American Idol”? Anyway, a friend happened to tape last night’s show, so this seems a good excuse finally to watch it at least once. But as to your question: Your guess was a good one. That was the original final verse of the song:

So maybe some misty day, you’ll
Waken to find me gone
And far away, you’ll
Hear me singing to the dawn
And you’ll wonder if I’m happy there
A little more than I’ve been
And the answer will come back to you
Like laughter on the wind:

It was rewritten during rehearsals to be more specific as to Pippin’s goal: “I won’t rest until I know I have it all”. Some of the vocal selections were published prior to the show opening, and thus were not in a couple of cases the final version of the songs. Of course, I do like this original lyric too, in fact perhaps I prefer it as slightly more evocative. So when the song is sung out of context, I certainly don’t mind it being used.

I found a video of Bo Bice singing it. He sucks.