PopcornJackTerry

I’ve been doing a lot of writing lately. I think that’s important for many reasons, not the least of which is it seems disingenuous to identify myself as a writer if I’m not actually, you know, writing. Otherwise you end up having conversations like this;

“What do you do?”

“I’m a plumber.”

“That’s nice. You do any plumbing lately?”

“No.”

“But you’re a plumber?”

“That’s right, and one of these days I’m going to plumb like a madman, I swear.”

Now obviously there is a big difference between a practical occupation and one that may seem more frivolous – the invention of indoor writing did not improve society nearly as much as did indoor plumbing – but you see the point I’m trying to make. Good, because I’m going to go away from it for a few minutes.

I don’t believe in coincidence as much as I do observation, suggestion and intention. I call this “The Chevette Theory.” At some point in my childhood we got rid of our Dodge Dart and bought a Chevy Chevette (the same one I would total a month after getting my license.) Suddenly I saw Chevettes everywhere. It wasn’t like they came out of nowhere. As the official fleet car of the State of CT, they had always been there. My dad simply pointed out that I was now noticing them because I had a relationship to them. They were now familiar so I was more susceptible to seeing them. In other words the connection is always there; we just don’t always look for it.

I brought up the writing aspect because I’m editing something I wrote over a decade ago that, even though it is a work of fiction, it is a very introspective work, detailing a person’s growth, the choices and sacrifices they make, the effect it has on their life and the lives of those around them, and the eventual consequences that occur from these decisions years later. You know, my normal light hearted toe-tapping type of stuff. The reason I chose this novel to work on is partly because I felt stupid having something that I worked so hard on just sitting in my file cabinet. Mostly though it is because I am starting work on an ambitious new project, one that I assume will take me 15 years, involve a million words and at least 6 or 7 novels. Which means if I get hit by a bus before I finish it all, I’m gonna be pissed!!

It’s been so long since I looked at this novel other than to pack it in a box every time I moved that I didn’t remember too many of the nuances about it. (The address on the cover sheet was from when I lived in Astoria, which means the last time I worked on it was 2002,) But I did remember that the story line and characters would make it a perfect candidate to start this project with. Change a couple of geographic locations, add or delete a scene or two, and I’d be off to the races. I could start marketing this novel while I began work on the second one.

I had forgotten how much personal philosophy I had included, primarily in the main character. Yesterday I was editing the middle third of it, when the crisis of the plot really explodes, and I was struck how what I had written so many years ago sounded exactly like what I thought I had been discovering over the past several months. As I read it I knew people who were aware of what I’ve been going through and following my blog could easily believe that I had written it since my return to the Northeast. It affected me because I knew I’d have to say a lot of “No, no, I wrote this 15 years ago” and I assume they will ask me the same question I’ve been asking myself since last night:

“Well then what the hell have you been doing for the last 15 years?”

I am amazingly talented at compartmentalizing my life so effectively that I will believe in opposite sides of the same point simply because I fail to see the connection. I believe that making any progress when it comes to leading a healthier and more productive emotional life is something like an whirlpool. You start by stepping in at a particular point. The whirlpool takes you around, giving you different experiences and perspectives, so by the time you make it back to the same point where you entered, you’re a little deeper into the issue. This continues to happen over and over, and each time you get back to that point you have a better understanding of what’s happening. Of course the farther you go into a whirlpool the tighter the rotation becomes so not only are you going deeper but you keep coming back to that point quicker. In other words it takes a long time to get started, but once you do it becomes easier and quicker to make greater progress.

The flip side of this is that to me growth equals change. I have always felt that I should be able to look back at my life 15 years ago and see how much different I am from that person. Perhaps in a static world that would be ideal, but as we all know the world isn’t static. Besides, how happy would you be if you looked back at your life and said “Wow, 15 years ago I was an idiot!” Granted, 15 years ago I probab….okay, definitely was an idiot, and I’m probably still an idiot today. Hopefully not as much of one, and not about the same things, but I’m sure it’s true.

To recap: I believe I need to change in order to grow, and yet I believe most growth comes from a constant movement away from and return to the same issues, albeit with an ever increasing depth and understanding, and how much change can there be if you wind up in the same places? Have I grown at all? Have I made changes? What does any of this mean?

Well, besides probably meaning that I have too much free time on my hands, it also means that there are truths in both sides of the argument. I have certainly changed from who I was when I first wrote this novel, and I don’t just mean that I can finally grow a beard. Likewise, the core beliefs that I wrote about are still ones that I believe in and hold true to. The big concern for me is not just to say them or write them but to also live them, more clearly and consistently.

Part of that means writing every day. I’m no better now than I ever have been when it comes to following a schedule I set for myself, and yet the thought of this huge project is not daunting to me. If anything I feel excited for it, ready for it. is it a coincidence that i chose now to dust this novel off? Somewhere inside me I must have known what it said deep in the pages. I did write the damn thing after all. But why has it only just been one more thing I moved, and not something I ever considered revisiting until now? Maybe it’s become my new Chevette. Before I wasn’t ready to drive it, but now that I have it back, I can see all that it stands for and how similar it is to everything else in my life and who I am.

Just hope I don’t total this one as well…

 

Today’s soundtrack: I was going to go with David Bowie’s “Changes”, but when I got to YouTube this instantly popped in my head. Not sure what’s up with the subtitles, but who cares. Click here to find out what’s going to be great.